Ones inner dialogue
 
Have you ever just sat there and listened to your inner dialogue? what is it that you say to yourself? how do you say it? what words do you use? what tone do you talk to yourself in? are you more inclined to use negative words and phrases instead of positive reinforcing comments or sentences?
 
Today hasn't been the easiest of days, well the last 6 weeks haven't been the easiest and yet they have been at the same time extremely powerful and concreting. In actual fact there has been great balance surrounding me, no real reason to feel out of whack or anything of the sort, really then why have i been feeling so much inner pain, soul wrenching pain. I kept asking myself that most of today and most of the last few weeks.
 
My career has finally taken off and in an amazing fashion i love my job, the people i work with are amazing in their own individual ways, I truly look forward to going to work every morning and miss not being there when i am not there. I miss not being at home when i am at work, I look forward to coming home to my boys and dear husband. I love to be greeted by my cats, my dog and Parrot. Life seems complete, so then why the inner pain at times i ask myself? I do have a lot of sadness in my life also, I am watching Dementia/Alzheimer's change my mother in a way that is extremely sad, specially watching my father mourn the living death of his life partner, over 55 years of marriage in what seems to be at fast forward pace, so that rips my heart in two to witness. Yet on the other hand I am watching my boss's belly grow filled with life inside her and my eldest son become a man, he turned 18 years old and I was fortunate enough to send him overseas on his first of many travels i am sure, so many cycles all around me. All is in balance, life - death, happiness-sadness, peace-chaos all surround me in equal proportions all this I understand and witness, I just can't seem to take comfort in the tides of life. Perhaps its the fact that i am not sitting on the shore of life watching the tides roll in, but am submerged within the ocean of life all at once, terribly overwhelming I can assure you. Still here I am trying to make sense of my inner pain.
 
Attempting to observe my life from a colder more objective point of view as i sometimes try to do, in order to gain a sense of clarity outside of the raw emotion that can burden every thought that cascades through my mind I asked myself questions. My inner dialogue went on for days, questioning myself in order to understand which piece of the puzzle didn't fit. I began by acknowledging all I was grateful for which tied in with all I was certain I would never do without, such as a roof over my head and children's. there was a time in my life that I was always very uncertain about having a home, I was near homeless once, single with 4 babies at the time, uhm not a nice place to be, yet i am more than 100% sure i will never ever have to worry about a roof over our heads again. At the same time that I was uncertain about where we would live I was uncertain about being able to provide for my children. i wasn't sure that I could feed my hungry babies or even clothes them or give them what their little hearts desired. Now i KNOW without a doubt that my children will never lack anything in their lives again nor will they ever have to want for anything. There was a time in my life when love and happiness seemed to elude me with a vengeance. So much loneliness and sorrow surrounded me, I feared I would be alone forever pretending to be happy so that my children wouldn't find out that their mother was in such pain, I couldn't steal their beautiful smiles and laughter with my pain. Now I know for a fact, without a shadow of a doubt that love will never abandon me again nor will I ever feel loneliness again. So then I asked myself, "if i know all these facts to be true and certain, what is it that's causing so much pain inside"? I have all in my life that I ever wanted and more, I have everything that matters to me, so what on earth could be causing this inner pain?
 
That question has nagged me for the last few days and yesterday after work it all came crashing in like thunder within me, the pain was immense, the tears came with new resolve, I was a mess, I still am somewhat. Then as per usual as I hoped in the shower not a pen in sight, no where i could write, my inner voice began to speak. How typical, moments of utter brilliance, words that flood the psyche making so much sense and no where to record them, how typical!  Yet I remember some of the message - Life is a manifestation of our inner beliefs and acknowledgements. That which we believe to be true manifests within our lives in one form or another. We attract to ourselves that which we believe in without a doubt. When we are down and think we are non deserving , that's what we see reaffirmed within our lives. Our lives stage will manifest certain backdrops, actors etc that will all assist us to acknowledge that which we believe to be true. When we believe without a doubt that we are truly worthy of love and happiness, again our lives stage will manifest and acknowledge that which we set in motion. All that our minds, our egos believe to be true we seem to manifest - not in an object but on life's stage - by that I mean we seem to be drawn to certain people, events or situations that reaffirm our positive or negative beliefs. How significant its impact on our lives is depends on how deeply rooted our belief is, with this in mind my inner voice again questioned what are you certain about in life? again I repeated the above - I will always have a roof over our heads, we will never lack anything in life again, nor will i ever feel lonely or abandoned by love. What am I uncertain about? And Bingo! I have been uncertain about my ability to succeed at work, no real foundation for that uncertainty, but inexperience or point of reference in regards to my job have left me questioning how good I may be, or how successful i may be at what i do, mind you so far I have been shown how very successful I can be, but will I be? See that is the key, my inner dialogue. I question, therefore i doubt - I think therefore I am!!
 
Our words are so powerful, they carry so much energy that we are able to manifest anything within our lives by just a simple word. How we talk to others is a reflection of our inner self. How we talk to ourselves in our minds is a reflection of our true selves. What we fear, what we doubt, what we want etc is all held within our inner selves and it comes to the surface in our inner dialogue. Our inner dialogues are extremely important in order to understand ourselves and how we feel about ourselves. The word is a powerful thing even when its not spoken - even when its used in secret conversations with ourselves. So all my little " I don't knows"  to myself have been silently accumulating over the last 6 months and now have began to rear their nasty head in an accumulation of events that can either affirm a negative belief or allow me to acknowledge the need for change within myself yet again. There will always be room for improvement within oneself that's for sure.
 
Our inner dialogue is a key to our outer existence or lives as a whole. We wouldn't tell someone who was doubtful and fearful that they have every reason to be? We would tell them not to be silly, that they have all they need within them to succeed. So why don't we tell ourselves that which we tell another? Our brain is wired the way we choose to think. Your inner dialogue is a good indication of who you believe yourself to be, so the more doubt, fear and apprehension you feel and reaffirm it through inner dialogue with yourself, the more you will witness and manifest those outcomes within your life, again affirming the negative. The opposite is a better choice. Sometimes we can't avoid the hardships we have to face, life is full of ups and downs, but ultimately its our choice how we deal with the situation, do we allow it to rock our ground and feel doubt within ourselves? Or do we remind ourselves how truly strong and beautiful we are as a divine being and we can deal with everything. I believe the latter is a better choice.
 
What we acknowledge within our selves within our minds to be a solid truth is what we manifest in our lives, be it negative or positive, our lives are a reflection of our inner thinking.
 
Today wasn't a bad day after all - life is good and I am doing fantastically - as I am sure all of you are also, because you know what... life was truly meant to be easy.

Namaste
Caitlin

 

Hi All

Thought I would drop by and wish everyone a wonderful festive season. May all the brightness and wonderfulness of life and love bless you all as it has blessed me.

This year, 2008 has been one very full and eventful year. I have accomplished feats I hadn't even aspired to before I was so filled with love and joy. Hope is no longer a part of my life as I now know that all is possible, all that I, that we all set our minds to is possible. All that we desire, all that drives our hearts is possible to achieve, to acquire, you just have to Believe.

It's been just over 2 years since my world began to change thanks to the changes I made within myself. I truly allowed myself to accept the fact that my thinking, my thoughts had a tremendous impact on my reality. No matter what mood or emotion I was experiencing it had an effect on my reality, on my experience of the moment, of the now. Things began to make sense, I realised that the more I clung to old belief systems, or old thought patterns the more I seemed to find myself immersed in old energy, old patterns of reality, and most weren't the " joyous" kind. The key was in the letting go, releasing the need to KNOW and CONTROL the outcome, the reality. It was all about TRUST.

I had and have all the tools I needed and need, as do all of you. The tools to modify and change the reality you are experiencing to the reality you wish to experience. I know that sounds all bunny rabbits and butterflies, gumdrops and rainbows to some of you, but it's not. It's a fact. Your thoughts have an impact on your reality, they form the basis of your existence. How you feel, how you think and how you process your thoughts and thinking through your feeling centre has a tremendous effect on your current and past experience. That being said how does one change these perceptions, feelings and thoughts that have such an impact on our reality? Well for me it wasn't so simple. As I have been writing in my many previous posts, blogs and emails - it's about knowing thy self. Knowing yourself, void of the societal conditioning. Knowing who we are outside of the roles that we have had thrusted upon us since the moment we were conceived. Knowing who we are at our core, what drives you? What triggers you? All outside of the blame - outside of who is at fault. Who are you? What defines you?

The need to strip away the layers and reach the real divine self, the self that is worthy, that deserves all its heart desires without doubt, without fear,  just LOVE. Once you are in touch with that true divine self, that divine spark that is you, then you begin to see and experience the wonder of manifestation. The wonder of living within the moment, in the now accepting and appreciating every single second, because each second each moment is more precious than the last. You begin to live and breathe as your divine self, your radiant self, your sovereign self, the true self. Your thinking becomes synchronized with your divine self and you begin to notice and marvel at how everything around you is perfection manifested. Your life is a reflection of your inner peace, your true inner divine self. That doesn't mean that there will not be moments of reflection and questioning, because after all we do continue to be human and there is much about this human experience we need understand and strangely enough through moments of doubt and questioning we can also grow. Pain can sometimes be your best teacher, although for me it became a stranger for a while, I'll share a little of that before I finish, back to the beauty of the divine self.

To be in harmony within and in unison with your divine self is to become ONE with all. To feel the connectedness of all that is. Everything you come in contact with, you leave an imprint of yourself - a mark part of your essence. When you are in synch, in harmony with your divine self the impact is immense, you have the power within you to act as a catalyst to another being, or to fill a living plant or animal with love by just appreciating its beauty. You yourself draw in more love and universal energy each moment that you give it to another it's like a chain reaction, a ripple in a pond, for we are all one, we are all in complete control of our reality through our thinking. As I have said before, your words are a reflection of your thinking, your life is a reflection of both, choose your words wisely for you are the Divine Master of you reality.

Once I became aware of how simple it truly was and how my divinity and humanity are both equally as important, the changes within my life became self evident. All I wanted and needed became reality. It had its rough patches also believe me, moments of self doubt out of sheer exhaustion. I was studying full time plus still a wife and mother of 5 teenage boys. Moments in which I was so so tired I just wanted to give up, but through my husband's loving support and my continuous spiritual journey I didn't give up, I kept going, realigning myself with the divinity within, remembering who I truly was - as we all our, Divine beings who totally deserve all their hearts desires, because we are worthy. I truly hope that as you read my words something within you clicks and reactivates reminding you also of how truly worthy you are of all you desire, how perfect you are, how full of love you are. As the year comes to an end give yourself the biggest gift you could have ever imagined for yourself, give yourself LOVE.

2008 has been such a fabulous year, such an eventful year. I completed my Travel and Tourism studies, I now work as a Travel Agent helping many to realise their dreams. I am so grateful to my husband and my children for having the love and patience to help me bring my own dreams to life.

In one of my darker moments this year I once again felt that stranger within, the feelings I had long forgotten, pain caused by confusion and self doubt. I truly believe that these moments are our little challenges that add flavour to our existence, the little bends in the road that change the scenery and add colour and new vision to our dreams, and depths to our realities. I wrote this poem in order to work through that bend in my road, and thanks to the little change in scenery I was able to colour my experience into one that I am totally and utterly happy with.


 

Stranger

 

Stranger of my heart you ride upon the wind

Making yourself be known

Perhaps you feared you would not be recognised

But my heart remembers thee

 

Aye I do

For who can forgeteth thouest strong and commanding presence

How is it possible to forgeteth thy hunger.

Too many nights you preyed upon my soul

Too many nights you ravaged my inner world

Aye

 

For it is not easy to forget you

Did you ever leave?

Or did you just bury yourself so deeply

That one mistook you for a memory

Aye

 

My heart and soul know your scent

They know too well who you are

For it was you who took away the splendour

Aye

 

I fear I shall not have the strength to ask you to leave

You are not welcome here

Stranger of the night

You are not welcome here

Thief of inner joy

Be gone

Ride back from whence thou came

You've no place in my home

Be gone

Stranger of night

Be gone

Caitlin Marie Taylor

 *~*~*

Happy Holidays, Much Love To You All

Namaste

Caitlin

Whats happening in the world? Could it be the SHIFT everyone was talking about? If so what are you doing to contribute to WORLD CHANGE?

I'm an old man who has known a great many problems, most of which never happened.

- Mark Twain

 I totally love this saying .... I can relate to it so much considering that when i look back in time and especially the last few months i can truthfully say that i have failed to flow like water and have felt the ramifications of it.  

A while back I wrote,  love is like water it flows, no matter what obstacle is placed in front of it, it will etch it away and flow. It will find a way, through and around any obstacle.  Everything in the universe flows. Every moment we experience flows straight into the next. Its when we attach ourselves to any given moment that we stop the flow. When we attach a notion, an idea or even an expectation onto any given moment we stop the flow. Every time we hold on to something we dam the flow. Its so important to keep life flowing.    

I am realizing how important it is to live in the moment, not attaching anything to that moment but allowing it to happen as it does and fully and completely feel it. I believe that in doing so we are able to experience every moment in our lives to its full potential and actually be the embodiment of love, joy, happiness and complete bliss. Allowing yourself to flow in the moment, experiencing every second completely present in the moment will undoubtedly allow us to experience the connectedness to all that is, to our divinity within, our God / Goddess selves.  

Live, love and flow in the NOW!   

  September 2008 and here I am living testament of what i wrote back then. Its so crucial that we live in the present and allow life to flow. Allow the experiences that need to come our way to come our way. releasing the need to attach any kind of preconceived notion as to what it is we need and want, because without realising sometimes we are asking for certain things in our lives that speak louder words than those we are saying to ourselves. Those inner demons that lurk within us that only decide to rear their heads when we are not looking and get by us and lodge themselves deeper and deeper in our present lives and assist to dam the flow. Then we realise that we are faced with a problem we didn't perceive nor for see and that problem seems insurmountable, yet at the same time its also non existent. Its our mind  with its ever present chatter that has gotten the better of us and dug us deep into our own little inner world of fear or insecurity and we notice how life doesn't seem to flow any more and we question 'why?'.  

I found myself doing just that, asking " whats up with me?" " why does life seem like its 'heavy' and laden with stops now?" - I sat out in the garden with my husband the other day as we shared our little peace pipe, "the hukka" and talked about life. It was so peaceful and amazingly clear, as most chats with him are. Then the penny dropped, some how or somewhere along the line an old belief system or an old issue or something of the sort that must have been lurking silent within me suddenly was right there, in my face making me question and wonder what was not flowing, things feel heavy. As we spoke i came to realise that my trust in the universe had taken second place to my current reality. I wasn't flowing and allowing. Being at college every day of the week and having to fit into a time table and a routine that i had not had to do for a long time had put me into a mental rut that had made me stop the flow with in my self and around me, so things didn't seem as effortless as they once did. Fortunately now after being able to acknowledge what was causing the feelings of unease i have been able to start once again to allow life to just flow. What a difference in just a few days. The energy is just increasing with every passing day and the need to "know" and " question" are subsiding fast,  and the need to just " BE" is taking hold once more, it feels great. It feels wonderful to once more trust in the universe, allowing all that which needs to come my way to actually come when it needs to come.  

The more we strive to accomplish those goals that society dictates to us that we need to accomplish, the faster we seem to remove ourselves from what is truly significant and crucial for our soul selves. The ability to just flow and be within the moment and at peace within ourselves is vital for our emotional and mental health. When we are at ease and flowing within ourselves and within our lives we feel an abundance of energy surrounding us allowing us to feel invincible, beautiful, radiant and so aligned with our divine selves that we feel like we have everything right now, nothing more needed everything is within us.   Today i feel a lightness within me that was sorely missed, but i am human after all, and now and again i forget to feel my divine self and allow life to flow. I forgot to just allow and trust that which needs to be, be and that which needs to happen, happen. I am so grateful for having remembered how easy life really is when you love fully and flow fully trusting in yourself and in your own divinity.

Let me remind you all how beautiful and divine you all are, flow like water friends, trust in your own divinity. Stay in the now and trust that all you want and need is coming your way when its meant to come.  

Life is so wonderful and beautiful, love is magic.  

Namaste  

Caitlin

 

So much has happened, so many wonderful  life changing events and experiences .Its truly been an incredible year. 

We finally heard from immigration and they have granted James residency. The relief was immense, it was like all this weight and pressure was released all at once. The news couldn't have come at a better time, it was so needed. I look back now on the year that has gone by and it just seems so surreal, so OUT THERE its like " did it all really happen?" .

I am sure that more than a few other people can relate to the feeling of time being extremely accelerated - like a life time being lived in mere months. I find it overwhelming at times and wonder when I can raise my head up for air, but then again, whats next?  I'm not complaining by the way. As much as it seems as though life hits hard sometimes I feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to experience the events and situations that have been presenting themselves recently, only because I truly feel I am gaining so much insight into myself and others because of the experiences that come my way. It brings another perspective on life and more depth into my own understandings that I wouldn't trade for anything. Yes, it would be amazing to have a few days to just ‘BE' but hey sometimes the currents of life flow a lot stronger and we gain so much more ground on this journey we are on, that when you look back you realize that even the seemingly difficult and challenging times hit you, you wouldn't have had it any other way because within the bigger picture all was as it should be, perfect.

Life is amazing isn't it?

May we never stop being amazed by the beauty of life and the perfection of our own life's journeys.

Namaste

Caitlin

Hi all

I've been trying to get my act together and start blogging again, but I have an awful mental block, which i am sure a lot of you can relate to. I assure you all that soon very soon I will re kick start my writing once again.

I miss being here writing and reading everyone's ideas and perspective, but with full time school and home life i am a bit short for time.

Hope you all have a wonderful week and i shall read you all very very soon. Thank you all for being who you are :):)

Namaste

Caitlin

 

Ge es we are nearly at the end of January 2008 and its incredible how quick time seems to be moving.  It's as though soon as the day begins it's near its end, like we are in some kind of fast forward motion. Maybe there is some kind of celestial occurrence happening, who knows, or it could be as simple as life moving at a faster pace. They do say that time fly's when you're having fun.

We filed all the immigration papers this month and they still ask for more. It's such a trying time and no matter how much positive thinking one does those fears and doubts creep in so very fast, it's frightening. I never thought I would have to prove my love to anyone other than the person I love, but it seems like we need to be a model couple. According to the department of immigration couples must have proof of being a couple. Such things as keeping train tickets, bus tickets, theatre tickets. Pictures of all travel etc, bills in both names etc it's incredible. For two people who have never  adhered to " societies" ideas of relationships or anything else for that matter, it's so terribly hard to now  try and walk a path that feels so dreadfully alien to us both. I even tend to feel somewhat insulted when I get asked to present evidence of our relationship.

I am trying as hard as I can to maintain composure and that air of positivism, but like I said before it's not always the easiest thing to do.  It seems like when we hit the high we get knocked down.  Today unfortunately isn't the most positive of days an I am struggling to keep it together. I am being completely attacked and taken hostage by FEAR.

FEAR of having my life turned upside down by a complete stranger. Someone that has no idea who I am or who James is, but still believes that they can determine the validity of our love and relationship through sighting documents and papers.

FEAR of having my dream taken from my reality. I have always wanted a love like I now have in my life. Joy and happiness like I now live every single day. Fear of all of that being stripped from my reality by a total stranger behind a desk.

 

Fear is such a strong emotion, such a strong impulse within our reality that it can dictate and more often than not does dictate our actions and reactions within our reality. How much power we give over to our fears is a choice we make. Sometimes we don't even realise how much power we hand over to our fears, feeling we are no longer in control of the outcome within our reality. Even if we are very self aware and KNOW that our reality is subject to our thinking and our feelings and perceptions of our own reality, we still fall victims to our own ego's and fall within the tight clasps of FEAR.

Often times we are so scared to lose control, to have our realities tested or challenged that we are triggered into self crippling reactions from within the depths of our darkest recesses of our soul. That tiny speck or past that remains within us that refuses to let go just in case it's needed as a reminder of what our reality once was. So in moments of fear and perhaps reality checks we buckle back into an old way of feeling and thinking and react in a way we would have reacted long ago. The mind seems to go into search engine mode trying to relate to the present situation with a past situation and somehow make sense of it. No one day is the same as the last so naturally there isn't going to be any days or situations the same as our present moment , so the mind tends to assimilate experiences with past experiences and naturally when we have been doing so much to change and heal our present reality the mind seems to go into an impasse and drag up similar experiences and triggers FEAR and uncertainty within us. All we know now seems to go out the window so quick it's like we have gone back in time and forgotten everything we know about being co-creators of our reality.

I found myself going through all these emotions and fears these past few weeks as we organised the paper work for James immigration. After filing everything on Wednesday we got told today that we know have to send in more documentation and WOW I was back in what seemed like 1989 and many other times even back to my childhood years remembering how every time I was happy, or over joyed something happened and BOOM it was gone. So naturally I felt crippled in fear. I was shaking like a leaf most of the day trying to overcome this awful FEAR of loss.  I know full well that today, January the 19^th 2008 my reality is extremely different from what it once was and no longer do I have to fear losing all that makes my heart sing. The love I have now, the joy, the happiness, the complete serenity will not get taken from me. I deserve love, I deserve joy and happiness. I am worthy of it all. I do honestly believe it within my heart, but I am human and I have a shadow side which I guess at the moment needs to be acknowledged.

I don't like stepping into FEAR, but as much as I dislike it, I feel it's important to acknowledge it also. How much power I hand over to my FEAR is a choice I'll have to make. I just hope I have the strength I need to take all that power back and smile again.

Fear

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by
Feelings of sorrow and despair
Feelings of loss and grief
And my poor head wonders

So much to consider
So much to ponder
So much to gain
So much to lose

Tonight I'm at a loss
My heartaches for no apparent reason
My soul aches for no apparent reason

And the tears
That won't stop
And the smile that is lost.

 

Caitlin

Hope you all had a fantastic Christmas, we did. Although I am not too fond of the commercial side of christmas and neither is James, the kids still loved it all. We’re also fast approaching the wedding, only a few days away now and I am not nervous at all. After all we have been living together and feel as one the little paper is a mere formality. We truly have mouled and blended into ONE.

The year is coming to an end also, very fast. The last time i remember it was winter, now we are in mid summer here and i must add that its been an extremely wet and humid summer. Yuk! 

We went hiking in the rainforest the other day with the kids and because its been so wet and humid the forest was like over gown with ferns, moss and HUNDREDS of blood thirsty leeches. It was funny also, i don’t think i have seen that much stomping and shreeking by boys before, everyone walked as fast as possible which sorta took the idea of a ' nice stroll through the rainforest ' ,and trashed it :(  All the same it was fantastic. Some of the pics I have uploaded hope you all like them.

Well as the year comes to an end and much change awaits us all in 2008, let us all remember how truly divine we all are and how love and happiness is a choice we all make from within. Life is what we make it and no one is responsible for us other than ourselves. How we approach life and all its glory is a CHOICE, change in our lives only comes about through change within ourselves. We only have TODAY so make the very most of it and please if only for a minute, feel how truly worthy and deserving you all are of love and happiness.

 

Namaste

Caitlin